I'm Sorry Ms. Jackson

This blog was initiated by the inspiration I felt when I sat in a hired car and saw, sparkling on the dashboard, the Commander 700 Car Cologne. I can't say it was a religious experience since I've yet to walk on water, cure the blind, or turn water into a nice $20 bottle of Australian Riesling, but it came close. I mean, think about it, one second I'm a walking zombie on my way to some factory and the next minute I had a purpose in life - to share with the world the genius behind the C700 CC. If it weren't for the internet, I'd be riding a bike all over suburbia with a white shirt and black neck tie knocking on doors asking people, "Brothers, Sisters, have you ever felt an emptiness when you look over your dashboard?"

With that, I have unfortunately deviated from my calling. Not by choice, but by circumstance. Regardless, I'm sorry. I've gotten so used to the city that I can pull a taxi and tell him where I need to go. It is much more convenient and cheaper than calling for a hired driver. Most taxi's dashboards have the "for hire" light and some electrical box in the place where the fresheners would be placed.

The majority of taxis are 80's era Volkswagen Santana 3000's (from a collaboration between the three going back a few decades ago). There are a few Passats, but I haven't had the pleasure. The ride isn't as comfortable and the cage that protects the driver from the passengers or vise versa brings thoughts of Hannibal Lecter (it puts the lotion in the basket). These little cars have a gravitational pull to pot holes and the hub cap retention mechanism only works 25 percent of the time. (A number I came up with based on the average of taxis with a single hub cap)


The only scent producing items in the taxis are the mildewed wash rag that the drivers use to wipe the car off during down time, the spare gas canister that sits between the driver and the shotgun seat, and the driver himself (either from ciggies or more personal expulsions of smell). I've come up with a little trick to balance out the smell inside the taxis with the eye-watering carbon monoxide outside the car. It works best when buses or tractor trailers aren't around. 1. You keep the window rolled down. 2. Put a stick of gum in you mouth, that helps with the smell in the car. 3. When the smell in the car overpowers the wrigley's, you stick your head out the window. 4. Just before you begin to feel light headed and sleepy, take a swig of oj or coke or any strong tasting drink (water doesn't work). This method works for about 20-30 minutes. After that I think it is up to the individual's pain threshold. Some may go a bit longer, some a bit shorter. The more you do it the easier it gets, like everything else.

Believe you me, I'm missing the air fresheners as much or more than some of you faithful readers. I'll do my best to continue on in my search this upcoming week.